Name Already Taken

Dear Optus,

I signed up for two iPhones when they came out - as I’ve not received a bill yet I’d like to check my bill online. Here’s how my attempts have gone so far:

After fighting with your mobile ‘Zoo’ website for days I’ve finally been able to logon between receiving the password SMS and that password expiring around seven seconds later. This has allowed me to choose a somewhat ridiculously complicated password and setup my ‘Zoo’ account.

Zoo seems great - I can buy annoying ringtones and silly wallpapers and they’re all charged back to my account - great! This system obviously links with your billing or CRM system - I click the ‘See my mobile bill‘ under the ‘My Account‘ option and it drops me to a non ‘Zoo’ branded page at personal.optus.com.au with all sorts of headings like ‘Internet‘ and ‘Mobile’ and ‘Home Phone‘. I happen to have an iPhone so I click the ‘Apple iPhone 3G’ under the ‘Mobile‘ heading. It takes me to a page which helpfully tells me the 3G iPhone is available. This is good news, but not a surprise to me as I have two of them with an account with you guys.

I figure I must’ve made a mistake in my haste of navigating through your website so start again from the Optus Zoo page and have another look around.

Yep, under the ‘My Account‘ heading on the right hand side under the ‘Quick Links‘ panel are four items. “Check my Pre-Paid balance“? Nope. not for me - I’m post paid. “See my mobile bill“? Yep! that looks right. I click again.

Hmm. personal.optus.com.au again. Do I want to sign up for internet or a 3G iPhone? Neither, actually. I go back to the Optus Zoo page yet again. This time I try the menu on the left. ‘My Mobile‘ > ‘My Mobile Account‘ > ‘My Mobile Bill‘

Aha! “My Optus Mobile” Great. I click the ‘Register Now’ button.

I fill out the required details and enter my mobile number as my UserID -  I figure it’d be nice for me to only have to remember one set of credentials for all of your various systems. Uh-oh! I need my account number. Since I’ve not yet received a bill (the whole reason I’m trying to access my billing online) I call your 1300 number to find out what my account number is.

After fighting with your IVR for a while trying to repeat “another enquiry” I eventually end up frustrated and screaming expletives into the phone. Surprisingly this directs me to the ‘another enquiry’ area and I speak to Kerryn with an American accent.

After not only entering my phone number via the touch tone phone I’m using but also repeating it and all my other details to Kerryn, she gives me my 14 digit account number.

14 digits! My account number is in the 86 TRILLION range! I don’t believe there are that many phone numbers on the planet let alone accounts! Amazing.

Now armed with my 14 digit account number differentiating me from your 86,000,000,000,000 other customers I atempt to enter it into the form. Alas! The form only takes eight digits. Bummer. Perhaps I have the wrong ‘Account Number’.

I call your 1300 number again.
This time your IVR understands ‘another enquiry’ and I speak to Sarah (Australian accent this time). Sarah tells me I just need to enter the first eight digits online. This makes me question the purpose of the other six -  but I don’t argue with her - I thank her for her time and put in the eight digit code, my date of birth and the rest of the details.

I hit ‘Continue‘. Uh-oh!
“Our system does not recognise some data that you have entered. Please check that you have entered your Date of Birth correctly. Please also ensure that your Account Number, Mobile Number and Post Code are entered exactly as it appears on your most current mobile bill. Please note that Pre-Paid customers and those not issued with a Mobile bill from Optus Mobile are unable to register. If you feel you have entered your data correctly and you still cannot register, please contact Customer Care on 1300 300 937″With no more information about which field is ‘unrecognised’ I refresh the screen and re-enter all my data and click ‘Submit’. Nope. Still no good.

Frustrated and ready to kill someone I have another wander around your website.

Back at the personal.optus.com.au page I spot a nav menu item called ‘Mobile‘ . I click it and it directs me to another offer to sell me an iPhone - ooh! and a “Log In” button! I click it eagerly.

I get a ‘My Account‘ page. I attempt to login with my Optus Zoo details.
The page reloads with no error message, yet I’m not logged in.

I re-enter my details.

Again the ‘My Account‘ page reloads. As this page doesn’t have any Zoo branding I figure you guys must make users have two totally different accounts and this page just has non existent error handling. I clear any rationale from my mind and click on “I would like to register a new Username and Password to use My Account” as I can’t use “I would like to use my existing Optus Internet Username and Password” as I don’t use you guys for internet.

Aha! A third totally different ’sign up for an account page’ not at all like the Optus Zoo one OR the Optus Mobile one.

I eagerly enter my details and click Submit, again using my mobile number as my user ID.

“Sorry, but there were some problems with the details you entered. Please try again.”

Apparently there’s a problem with my selected username!

“Sorry, but you need to choose a new username. Please choose one that’s between three and 20 characters in length, and contains only letters and numbers.”Perhaps this error means use both letters AND numbers (my mobile number contains no letters). I try my first initial, last name, and ‘01′ (zero one). Again I click ‘Submit‘ and wait patiently.

After what seems like a very long time - success! A page appears telling me I have a confirmation email to click on. I head off to retreive my email.

I click the activiation link and return to the ‘My Account‘ screen. I enter my new credentials. A very long wait as the data as my credentials are checked against the 83,000,000,000,000 other clients in your accounting database.

“Great News! Your account has now been activated.” Fantastic! There’s a link on the page called ‘Check your bill’. Hah! Finally we’re here! I click. I’m directed to another page where I can link my Optus accounts. I follow the link to link and I’m at another page asking for my details yet another time.

I enter my eight digit account number only to be denied entry one more frustrating time. Turns out those frivolous six extra digits are required here!

One more time with a speed and  fury I usually reserve for complaints about public transport and surprise, surprise, my account is linked with both mobile numbers visible!

YES! SUCCESS! And It only took the better part of an hour. I click the 14 digit account number of my linked account, relieved the horror is finally over.

“Unfortunately the service you are attempting to access is unavailable at this time. Please try again later.”

I hate you, Optus.